An Open Apology to the Publix Lady
A triathlete friend posted this on his Facebook. He is a former Marine, now living in South Carolina. With thanks to Brian Fancher.
An open apology to the Publix lady...
Today at 11:04
First, I would like to thank you for the 5 second horn blast warning me that you were about to turn right within inches of my bicycle's front wheel. Your thoughtfulness allowed me enough time to brake and prevent my bicycle from scratching your beautiful blue Excursion with the 15 bumper stickers, mile deep brake dust, and yellow parking bollard dent in the side. You take such obvious pride in your vehicle I should have noticed and steered well clear of you on my toy bike. So thank you. I am glad that you take your pro-life seriously! My family thanks you too.
So I sincerely apologize for my mis-judgement in holding up your daily life. I clearly do not understand the culinary emergency at hand when you run out of Diet Caffeine Free Cherry Coca Cola Classic and Ding Dongs. I did not know that they were going to run out of Little Debbie snack cakes in the 2.5 seconds I almost cost you by blocking your way into the parking lot with my bike. Nor did I realize the dire threat that 180 lbs of bicycle and rider pose to 3500lbs of motorized vehicle. My bad. It won't happen again.
While I'm at it, I commend you on your effort to teach your young child a foreign language. I have not heard anyone so fluent in that particular dialect since my days on board with Sailors and Marines. I do wonder, though, how well that language plays with your Methodist friends. You might want to try another language. I'd suggest French, but you clearly believe they belong to the same caste as bicycle riders according to one of your bumper stickers.
I was equally impressed by the artful way you have turned exclusiveness into a work of art with your bumper stickers. Your world sounds like an awesome place where all three of you can live in war and discord. Your Excursion is a masterful rolling canvas of hatred! Well done with the irony! I appreciate the fact that you have clearly stated that those of us in the human race can go to hell (can you google map that place for me?). And also that you'll be happy to help send us there with your guns and carbon dioxide.
On the issue of climate, I feel we could be soul mates. I think its quite a load of bunk too and I'm doing my best to overload the atmosphere with carbon dioxide puffing along using up oxygen riding my bicycle. No? Well, you can't blame a guy for trying!
If I might be so bold, I did note one glaring omission from your work. Perhaps if you had a sticker that stated your anti-cyclist nature that would spread the awareness among us. If you do, it would help to drive backward so that we could see you coming and jump into the ditch.
P.S. I noted that you're also extremely proud of your child's accomplishments. May I ask a favor, though? Can you give him a big air horn so that he can properly warn my honor student before he pummels my kid into the ground? Thanks.